In life, sometimes you feel unsatisfied with how others
treat you. Sometimes, it also entails other negative
emotions such as discomfort, and frustration. It's okay for
strangers, but especially for loved ones, it's different.
Those are the people that you often have to meet and
interact with, such as:
- Friends, colleagues, family, and relatives.
Of course, being human is not perfect, everyone has good
qualities and bad qualities. But it is also impossible to
just Regard peace and harmony as precious, whoever likes to
do anything can please. Some people are not bad, but
sometimes their actions are not good. Then, it is what you
should do if you dare to voice your opinion, dare to protest
or react to their bad actions. Otherwise, in a relationship,
when someone's bad actions are not changed, over time the
negative emotions will increase gradually becoming a ticking
So how do you change the way someone treats you?
When someone engages in behavior with you, the way you react
to them sends a message to them about whether their behavior
is acceptable or not, and to what extent. According to the
important theory of behavior, the way you react to the
behavior that other people treat you is the way you are
setting that program up in their brain. Let's take a look at
some examples to make this clear.
Like somewhere you hear, or the news on social networks. The
world's reaction to Russia's use of poison to poison their
former spy was by closing the embassy. In the US alone, 60
embassies have been expelled, including Seattle. Russia, on
the other hand, has expelled employees of the United States
and other countries as well.
This sends a message that it's taken for granted, even if it
needs to be appreciated, I still cherish it. But if you
don't need it, I'll change it. That response will teach the
other friend the message that:
- When you don't appreciate the good I do for you, here are
the consequences. Just like when you don't cherish a good
friend, the consequences will be one day you will lose that
Sometimes, you have the mentality that this is a small
matter, but it's okay. But bad things right from the
beginning, if not extinguished, will last forever. But more
importantly, are you brave enough to change the way you
react now to your bad actions?
In fact, people who have bad deeds, are not inherently bad,
the reason why that person continues to do bad deeds is that
the people around them accept that action. A death row
inmate is still a filial son to his biological mother. An
alcoholic, mean, harmful, cursing everywhere he goes,
cursing everyone he meets, cursing even those who don't
curse at him, he still needs a fulcrum and treats the women
he's good at love. So, when you change the way you react to
others, especially dare to change your bad actions, your
life will become a lot better.
In life, you always want others to respect you. In life,
people suffer when they are not treated fairly and are cast
with negative, or sometimes scornful views. So how do you
find the respect others have for you, how every time other
people think of you they see it as a great image, and how do
you learn to treat people?
Treat others the way they want to be treated, not the way
they expect the way you to treat them. Psychologically, you
often treat others because of the way other people usually
treat you. For example, if you live in a group that lacks
respect, it will often lead to you also often acting
disrespectfully to those around you. If you live in an
environment that lacks mutual trust, you also doubt the
people around you. However, that's not good.
Is it possible that when you were born into a poor family,
often quarreled, and lacked self-esteem, growing up you also
let that repeat? Is it possible to go through an unhappy
family, when you witness scenes of quarrels and then when
you grow up you do it with your own family?
In terms of human psychology, they will normally have two
reactions as adults, either they do the opposite of how they
were usually treated in the past, or they do exactly the
same. As such, it would be good if in the past you were
treated well and growing up you carry that kind of behavior
towards people. However, it would be negative if you were
treated badly in the past and grew up treating the people
around you too. Mostly psychologically, if you are treated
badly, you will want to remake your life, that is, be nice
to those around you. However, not everyone can do that.
Many of you when giving gifts, you often think that the
recipient will like the gift you give because of the gift
you like. But the truth is that gift recipients only like
the gift they really like, not the gift that the giver likes
or the giver has. So don't give what you have, but give what
What you like, your habits, your culture, and your
personality does not mean that the people around you have
the same preferences. Therefore, it is important to respect
and understand the people around you, not follow your own
one-sided thoughts. Therefore, it is impossible to force
others to be like you. The key word here is Respect. Please
respect each other's personal and private life. Besides,
there is also an even more important thing which is cultural
adaptation. When in a crowd, when in different
circumstances, behave in accordance with the culture of that
place. That adaptation speaks of you as a polite and
understanding person. There is a famous Zen story, which I
read many times but still not boring, the story:
In a small, dilapidated temple, a frustrated Buddhist Novice
said to his teacher:
- In the small nunnery, there were only two of us, a teacher
and a student, when I went down the mountain to beg for
food, everyone was saying bad things to us. They also often
called me a Buddhist Novice bastard. They make offerings to
us to take care of the Three Jewels less and less until it
is very tragic.
Buddhist Novice continued to complain:
- Today, I went for alms, it was so cold, but no one opened
the door for me, and even the rice I gave was very little.
Our temple wants to become a thousand-room temple, the bells
ringing incessantly as Master said, I'm afraid it's just in
the master's mind.
Master put on a robe and didn't say a word, just closed his
eyes and listened quietly, Buddhist Novice kept talking and
Finally, the monk opened his eyes and asked:
- Now outside, the north wind is blowing strongly, and there
is snow and ice in the sky, do you feel cold?
Buddhist Novice was too busy nagging to forget the cold. Now
when he heard the Master remind him, his whole body trembled
- I'm cold, my legs are numb!
Master gently said:
- Then you better go to bed early.
The teachers and students quickly turned off the lights and
got into the blankets to sleep.
An hour later, the master asked:
- Do you feel warm now?
Buddhist Novice replied:
- Of course, I feel warm, like sleeping in a fireplace!
- An hour ago, the comforter left on the bed was cold, and
when you lay in it, it became warm again. Try to say, is it
the comforter to warm you or you to warm the quilt?
When Buddhist Novice heard that, he smiled and said:
- Master is so confused, how can cotton blankets warm
people, it must be because people make blankets to warm up,
- The comforter didn't give you warmth and still needed you
to warm it up, so why would you still cover it?
He thought for a moment and then said:
- Although cotton blankets do not warm us, thick blankets
can keep us warm, making us sleep comfortably.
In the dark, the old master understood, smiled, and said:
- You are the monk at the temple chanting and ringing the
bell, aren't you the same person under the cotton blanket?
Aren't those sentient beings a thick blanket?
You just need a good heart, then the ice-cold blanket will
finally be warmed by you. At that time, the thick cotton
blanket will also know how to keep you warm, you sleep in
such a cotton blanket, isn't it very warm? The
thousand-chambered pagoda, the temple bells ringing
unceasingly, could it be in a dream?
Small Buddhist novice after hearing it immediately awakened.
From the next day, every day Small Buddhist Novice got up
very early to go down the mountain to beg for alms. Small
Buddhist Novice still encounters the same evil words as
before. However, Small Buddhist Novice has always maintained
a gentle attitude and treated everyone politely. From time
to time, Small Buddhist Novice won the hearts of many
people. They made offerings and asked about the
Buddhadharma, Small Buddhist Novice responded politely and
smoothly, making everyone admire.
Then, every day Small Buddhist Novice went down the mountain
to beg for food as usual. Then one day, Small Buddhist
Novice suddenly saw people respectfully calling Small
Buddhist Novice teacher instead of Small Buddhist Novice
like in the past. Since then, they have called together to
come to the temple to make offerings and ask for the Small
Buddhist Novice in the past, but now the Venerable Master
preaches the Dharma to them.
The good news spread far away, many monks and visitors from
all over the world invited each other to the temple to
listen to the sermon. The number of people listening to the
Buddha's teachings is increasing day by day, and the temple
scene is becoming more and more bustling.
Ten years later… The poor temple has become a large temple
with many monks living to practice, covering an area of more
than a hundred miles, constantly visiting. Many rich and
powerful people go on pilgrimages, come to listen to the
Dharma, visit, and make offerings.
A small Buddhist Novice in the past has now become an abbot,
replacing the elderly master. The two teachers and students
often post lectures and are admired by many people.
The selfless desire of the two teachers and students, to
turn the poor and small temple into a thousand-room temple,
the bells ringing incessantly for the noble purpose,
prioritizing serving sentient beings, has been achieved. It
was thanks to the master's gentle and delicate way of
pointing, that the little monk gradually realized how to
turn the mind of ordinary people into the mind of a
bodhisattva while begging for food:
- When your mind changes, it changes the minds of others.
Old Master does not need to remind Small Buddhist Novice of
that principle anymore because now that Small Buddhist
Novice is already the abbot, a high and respected monk of
the ten thousand room temple, prosperous and the largest in
Moreover, this is a natural course of the reason of the
teacher and student's predestined relationship that the
master foresaw the inherent potential of his only young
student. Old Master is just someone who directs a Small
Buddhist Novice across the river of samsara so that the
Small Buddhist Novice matures and propagates the
Buddhadharma, first saving himself and then saving many
In fact, all sentient beings are covered with the Bodhi Mind
Blanket, but lie down with their eyes closed and tremble,
complaining that this blanket is not warm enough in the cold
darkness of ignorance. When you use True Fire of Samadhi to
warm the Buddha Dharma quilt, that wonderful blanket will
also keep your body and mind warm from the cold, gloomy
darkness of ignorance.
Therefore, you must first cover yourself with a blanket of
Dharma with a heart of generosity, and then practice and
preach the Dharma to propagate and protect the Buddhadharma,
which is the ultimate goal of a cultivator.
That is the meaning of first vowing to save sentient beings,
then hoping to become a Buddha with peace of mind in order
to save yourself and guide sentient beings. So if you insist
on petty prejudices telling others to understand or love
you, it's not possible. When you have such a request, if
someone does not understand you, and does not love you, you
cannot understand and love others. In terms of science and
Buddhism, there are similarities such as:
- Like the phenomenon of heat loss, Buddhism is called
- Exchanging heat is called cultivation and teaching in
- The state of keeping the temperature, in the Buddha Dharma
called each thought, each thought continuously keeping
mindfulness, promoting and protecting the Buddha Dharma
giving, that is, the more you give, the more you receive. It
is also the law of cause and effect, the law of harmony, the
law of vibration, and the law of attraction in physics. Yet
you sleep covered with blankets all your life, and many of you
do not know the reason for the interrelationship of things
between these things and people. The bodhicitta, bodhisattva
mind manifests in your mind as the warmth that first warms
sentient beings and then keeps the warmth for yourself,
because you are also a sentient being in the Jambudvida realm,
or the Saha world, or Human world, or the Worldly world, or
this Impure Land.
must know that cause and effect, the intimate warming and
illuminating relationship between dharmas and sentient beings,
things and people, mind, and body in this world. So on the way
to practice and learn the path of liberation, you must always
keep that blanket in mind as well as the mind of all sentient
beings, you are lying in the hearts of others as well as your
own mind. Therefore, when you use your mind to warm someone's
mind, that mind will also keep your mind warm.
But does your
mind really believe that your mind is also the mind of
- Your mind is
also the mind of sentient beings
If the answer
is yes, then all the books and scriptures that describe your
mind have also been described clearly and fully, so you can
believe it. Believe your heart is the heart of man. The
blanket koan only helps Small Buddhist Novice to gradually
understand the principle of cause and effect, the practical
and essential relationship between monks and nuns, and
visitors from all over the world. So, you should treat others
the way you want them to treat you. Therefore, if you
yourself, or hear someone say:
- I am not
around me are not trustworthy
people always so ungrateful...
you need to take a look at yourself or advise someone to look
back, do you always respect others?
- Take a
closer look, do you trust the people around you?
- And look
closely, do you have a charm with others?
someone treats you is the way they teach you to treat others
through the way they treat you. So, if you want others to
respect you, you must first respect those around you. If you
want people to be on time every time you see them, then you
should always be on time when you meet them. If you want
people to be gentle with you when you do something wrong, then
be the one to always respond gently to them when they do
something wrong. If you want others to be honest with you,
then never lie to them yourself. If you want to never have
someone talk bad about you behind your back, you should never
talk bad about someone when they're not there. So, treat
others the way you would like them to treat you.
everyone needs to be happy. Everyone wants to be satisfied
with everything. So you must remember that:
As long as you
can find a reason in others for your dissatisfaction and
unhappiness, you are still suffering from a psychological
phenomenon called Codependency. That's when you are letting
the happiness of your life be controlled by others. Therefore,
to find happiness, to find freedom, to earn respect from
others around you, the most important and only thing to do is
change yourself. The first is to change the way you see and
treat the people around you well. Because:
- When your
mind changes, the mind of others changes, and the surrounding
environment changes as well.