By Nhat Quan
In life, sometimes you feel unsatisfied with how others treat you. Sometimes, it also entails other negative emotions such as discomfort, and frustration. It's okay for strangers, but especially for loved ones, it's different. Those are the people that you often have to meet and interact with, such as:
- Friends, colleagues, family, and relatives.
Of course, being human is not perfect, everyone has good qualities and bad qualities. But it is also impossible to just Regard peace and harmony as precious, whoever likes to do anything can please. Some people are not bad, but sometimes their actions are not good. Then, it is what you should do if you dare to voice your opinion, dare to protest or react to their bad actions. Otherwise, in a relationship, when someone's bad actions are not changed, over time the negative emotions will increase gradually becoming a ticking time bomb.
So how do you change the way someone treats you?
When someone engages in behavior with you, the way you react to them sends a message to them about whether their behavior is acceptable or not, and to what extent. According to the important theory of behavior, the way you react to the behavior that other people treat you is the way you are setting that program up in their brain. Let's take a look at some examples to make this clear.
Like somewhere you hear, or the news on social networks. The world's reaction to Russia's use of poison to poison their former spy was by closing the embassy. In the US alone, 60 embassies have been expelled, including Seattle. Russia, on the other hand, has expelled employees of the United States and other countries as well.
This sends a message that it's taken for granted, even if it needs to be appreciated, I still cherish it. But if you don't need it, I'll change it. That response will teach the other friend the message that:
- When you don't appreciate the good I do for you, here are the consequences. Just like when you don't cherish a good friend, the consequences will be one day you will lose that friend.
Sometimes, you have the mentality that this is a small matter, but it's okay. But bad things right from the beginning, if not extinguished, will last forever. But more importantly, are you brave enough to change the way you react now to your bad actions?
In fact, people who have bad deeds, are not inherently bad, the reason why that person continues to do bad deeds is that the people around them accept that action. A death row inmate is still a filial son to his biological mother. An alcoholic, mean, harmful, cursing everywhere he goes, cursing everyone he meets, cursing even those who don't curse at him, he still needs a fulcrum and treats the women he's good at love. So, when you change the way you react to others, especially dare to change your bad actions, your life will become a lot better.
In life, you always want others to respect you. In life, people suffer when they are not treated fairly and are cast with negative, or sometimes scornful views. So how do you find the respect others have for you, how every time other people think of you they see it as a great image, and how do you learn to treat people?
Treat others the way they want to be treated, not the way they expect the way you to treat them. Psychologically, you often treat others because of the way other people usually treat you. For example, if you live in a group that lacks respect, it will often lead to you also often acting disrespectfully to those around you. If you live in an environment that lacks mutual trust, you also doubt the people around you. However, that's not good.
Is it possible that when you were born into a poor family, often quarreled, and lacked self-esteem, growing up you also let that repeat? Is it possible to go through an unhappy family, when you witness scenes of quarrels and then when you grow up you do it with your own family?
In terms of human psychology, they will normally have two reactions as adults, either they do the opposite of how they were usually treated in the past, or they do exactly the same. As such, it would be good if in the past you were treated well and growing up you carry that kind of behavior towards people. However, it would be negative if you were treated badly in the past and grew up treating the people around you too. Mostly psychologically, if you are treated badly, you will want to remake your life, that is, be nice to those around you. However, not everyone can do that.
Many of you when giving gifts, you often think that the recipient will like the gift you give because of the gift you like. But the truth is that gift recipients only like the gift they really like, not the gift that the giver likes or the giver has. So don't give what you have, but give what others need.
What you like, your habits, your culture, and your personality does not mean that the people around you have the same preferences. Therefore, it is important to respect and understand the people around you, not follow your own one-sided thoughts. Therefore, it is impossible to force others to be like you. The key word here is Respect. Please respect each other's personal and private life. Besides, there is also an even more important thing which is cultural adaptation. When in a crowd, when in different circumstances, behave in accordance with the culture of that place. That adaptation speaks of you as a polite and understanding person. There is a famous Zen story, which I read many times but still not boring, the story:
In a small, dilapidated temple, a frustrated Buddhist Novice said to his teacher:
- In the small nunnery, there were only two of us, a teacher and a student, when I went down the mountain to beg for food, everyone was saying bad things to us. They also often called me a Buddhist Novice bastard. They make offerings to us to take care of the Three Jewels less and less until it is very tragic.
Buddhist Novice continued to complain:
- Today, I went for alms, it was so cold, but no one opened the door for me, and even the rice I gave was very little. Our temple wants to become a thousand-room temple, the bells ringing incessantly as Master said, I'm afraid it's just in the master's mind.
Master put on a robe and didn't say a word, just closed his eyes and listened quietly, Buddhist Novice kept talking and nagging constantly….
Finally, the monk opened his eyes and asked:
- Now outside, the north wind is blowing strongly, and there is snow and ice in the sky, do you feel cold?
Buddhist Novice was too busy nagging to forget the cold. Now when he heard the Master remind him, his whole body trembled and said:
- I'm cold, my legs are numb!
Master gently said:
- Then you better go to bed early.
The teachers and students quickly turned off the lights and got into the blankets to sleep.
An hour later, the master asked:
- Do you feel warm now?
Buddhist Novice replied:
- Of course, I feel warm, like sleeping in a fireplace!
Master said:
- An hour ago, the comforter left on the bed was cold, and when you lay in it, it became warm again. Try to say, is it the comforter to warm you or you to warm the quilt?
When Buddhist Novice heard that, he smiled and said:
- Master is so confused, how can cotton blankets warm people, it must be because people make blankets to warm up, right?
Master asked:
- The comforter didn't give you warmth and still needed you to warm it up, so why would you still cover it?
He thought for a moment and then said:
- Although cotton blankets do not warm us, thick blankets can keep us warm, making us sleep comfortably.
In the dark, the old master understood, smiled, and said:
- You are the monk at the temple chanting and ringing the bell, aren't you the same person under the cotton blanket? Aren't those sentient beings a thick blanket?
You just need a good heart, then the ice-cold blanket will finally be warmed by you. At that time, the thick cotton blanket will also know how to keep you warm, you sleep in such a cotton blanket, isn't it very warm? The thousand-chambered pagoda, the temple bells ringing unceasingly, could it be in a dream?
Small Buddhist novice after hearing it immediately awakened.
From the next day, every day Small Buddhist Novice got up very early to go down the mountain to beg for alms. Small Buddhist Novice still encounters the same evil words as before. However, Small Buddhist Novice has always maintained a gentle attitude and treated everyone politely. From time to time, Small Buddhist Novice won the hearts of many people. They made offerings and asked about the Buddhadharma, Small Buddhist Novice responded politely and smoothly, making everyone admire.
Then, every day Small Buddhist Novice went down the mountain to beg for food as usual. Then one day, Small Buddhist Novice suddenly saw people respectfully calling Small Buddhist Novice teacher instead of Small Buddhist Novice like in the past. Since then, they have called together to come to the temple to make offerings and ask for the Small Buddhist Novice in the past, but now the Venerable Master preaches the Dharma to them.
The good news spread far away, many monks and visitors from all over the world invited each other to the temple to listen to the sermon. The number of people listening to the Buddha's teachings is increasing day by day, and the temple scene is becoming more and more bustling.
Ten years later… The poor temple has become a large temple with many monks living to practice, covering an area of more than a hundred miles, constantly visiting. Many rich and powerful people go on pilgrimages, come to listen to the Dharma, visit, and make offerings.
A small Buddhist Novice in the past has now become an abbot, replacing the elderly master. The two teachers and students often post lectures and are admired by many people.
The selfless desire of the two teachers and students, to turn the poor and small temple into a thousand-room temple, the bells ringing incessantly for the noble purpose, prioritizing serving sentient beings, has been achieved. It was thanks to the master's gentle and delicate way of pointing, that the little monk gradually realized how to turn the mind of ordinary people into the mind of a bodhisattva while begging for food:
- When your mind changes, it changes the minds of others.
Old Master does not need to remind Small Buddhist Novice of that principle anymore because now that Small Buddhist Novice is already the abbot, a high and respected monk of the ten thousand room temple, prosperous and the largest in the region...
Moreover, this is a natural course of the reason of the teacher and student's predestined relationship that the master foresaw the inherent potential of his only young student. Old Master is just someone who directs a Small Buddhist Novice across the river of samsara so that the Small Buddhist Novice matures and propagates the Buddhadharma, first saving himself and then saving many people.
In fact, all sentient beings are covered with the Bodhi Mind Blanket, but lie down with their eyes closed and tremble, complaining that this blanket is not warm enough in the cold darkness of ignorance. When you use True Fire of Samadhi to warm the Buddha Dharma quilt, that wonderful blanket will also keep your body and mind warm from the cold, gloomy darkness of ignorance.
Therefore, you must first cover yourself with a blanket of Dharma with a heart of generosity, and then practice and preach the Dharma to propagate and protect the Buddhadharma, which is the ultimate goal of a cultivator.
That is the meaning of first vowing to save sentient beings, then hoping to become a Buddha with peace of mind in order to save yourself and guide sentient beings. So if you insist on petty prejudices telling others to understand or love you, it's not possible. When you have such a request, if someone does not understand you, and does not love you, you cannot understand and love others. In terms of science and Buddhism, there are similarities such as:
- Like the phenomenon of heat loss, Buddhism is called giving.
- Exchanging heat is called cultivation and teaching in Buddhism.
- The state of keeping the temperature, in the Buddha Dharma called each thought, each thought continuously keeping mindfulness, promoting and protecting the Buddha Dharma
So practice giving, that is, the more you give, the more you receive. It is also the law of cause and effect, the law of harmony, the law of vibration, and the law of attraction in physics. Yet you sleep covered with blankets all your life, and many of you do not know the reason for the interrelationship of things between these things and people. The bodhicitta, bodhisattva mind manifests in your mind as the warmth that first warms sentient beings and then keeps the warmth for yourself, because you are also a sentient being in the Jambudvida realm, or the Saha world, or Human world, or the Worldly world, or this Impure Land.
You Buddhists must know that cause and effect, the intimate warming and illuminating relationship between dharmas and sentient beings, things and people, mind, and body in this world. So on the way to practice and learn the path of liberation, you must always keep that blanket in mind as well as the mind of all sentient beings, you are lying in the hearts of others as well as your own mind. Therefore, when you use your mind to warm someone's mind, that mind will also keep your mind warm.
But does your mind really believe that your mind is also the mind of sentient beings?
- Your mind is also the mind of sentient beings
If the answer is yes, then all the books and scriptures that describe your mind have also been described clearly and fully, so you can believe it. Believe your heart is the heart of man. The blanket koan only helps Small Buddhist Novice to gradually understand the principle of cause and effect, the practical and essential relationship between monks and nuns, and visitors from all over the world. So, you should treat others the way you want them to treat you. Therefore, if you yourself, or hear someone say:
- I am not respected
- People around me are not trustworthy
-Why are people always so ungrateful...
That's when you need to take a look at yourself or advise someone to look at themselves:
- Looking back, do you always respect others?
- Take a closer look, do you trust the people around you?
- And look closely, do you have a charm with others?
The way someone treats you is the way they teach you to treat others through the way they treat you. So, if you want others to respect you, you must first respect those around you. If you want people to be on time every time you see them, then you should always be on time when you meet them. If you want people to be gentle with you when you do something wrong, then be the one to always respond gently to them when they do something wrong. If you want others to be honest with you, then never lie to them yourself. If you want to never have someone talk bad about you behind your back, you should never talk bad about someone when they're not there. So, treat others the way you would like them to treat you.
In short, everyone needs to be happy. Everyone wants to be satisfied with everything. So you must remember that:
As long as you can find a reason in others for your dissatisfaction and unhappiness, you are still suffering from a psychological phenomenon called Codependency. That's when you are letting the happiness of your life be controlled by others. Therefore, to find happiness, to find freedom, to earn respect from others around you, the most important and only thing to do is change yourself. The first is to change the way you see and treat the people around you well. Because:
- When your mind changes, the mind of others changes, and the surrounding environment changes as well.
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