DHARMA IN EVERYDAY LIFE

By Nhat Quan

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It's good to express the hidden pain in your heart, but sometimes silence is better. Therefore, you should learn to listen to understand, to pause to empathize. It's difficult, but not impossible. This practice is only for those who have learned to let go of arrogance and understand that life is impermanent and constantly changing. With this awareness, you will realize that silence is a listening technique that needs to be cultivated among many other good skills in life; you need to learn the art of listening and understanding.

Regarding common psychology, why do women need a shoulder to lean on? Why do they need someone to listen, share, and comfort them? Why do they need a hand to hold to know they are not alone? Actually, there's nothing strange about it; it's determined by your own psychological characteristics.

According to psychologists, most women are inherently weak and vulnerable; therefore, they need protection and care. They need you to listen to their feelings, not to tell them how to solve their problems. If you listen to them and constantly offer solutions, they will immediately feel that you don't understand them at all. Therefore, the Venerable Masters advise against offering solutions, as they will find them after they have resolved their inner turmoil. So the best approach is to sit quietly and listen. That way, you have already helped them a great deal.

Men and women have completely different ways of dealing with problems. Men tend to seek solutions, while women don't. They seek someone to listen to them and understand their feelings. You think that's incorrect. Be careful, otherwise, you will face countless harsh reactions from your friends of the opposite sex.

When men seek someone to talk to, they usually hope to find a solution, not to vent their frustrations. They will try to solve their problems by consulting with those around them, and if you are the person they choose to talk to, it means they trust you to offer them an optimal solution. Therefore, don't just listen to men; find a way to resolve their issues with them. With women, you should listen; don't try to find solutions, it won't help them at that moment. And if you're wondering why the other person isn't listening and understanding you, try telling them:

- I need you to listen to me.

That's enough!

So, when you practice listening, don't always criticize others for not understanding you or not listening to you. The important thing is whether you know how to make them listen to you. If you haven't already, start by practicing listening to others. Because in life, very few people are willing to learn to listen and remain silent. They don't want to be outdone by others. They even compete to speak, trying to make the most of their time together, afraid of leaving without the other person fully understanding the story. You yourself are also talkative, rambling on endlessly. Just going to a coffee shop with friends, with a cigarette, a can of beer, or a glass of wine, you're already overflowing with emotions you want to express, wanting to vent, sometimes to the point of tears and despair. You even tend to yell and argue back whenever there's a disagreement:

- You're wrong, I'm right!

And in that argument, you gain nothing. Truly, everyone needs to share. But how many people truly know how to listen? Human emotions are incredibly complex, especially as you get older. Your heart shrinks, even when carefully protected, yet a single careless word can tear it apart like a knife. Therefore, as you get older, you think without speaking, while when you're young, you speak without thinking! The older you get, the lonelier you feel, or the more nostalgic you become about your youth, searching and sighing. What do you regret about the past? When you're young, you eagerly anticipate adulthood, discarding things you don't like without needing others to understand. And of course, you'll never be silent! With such thoughts and actions, no one knows where you'll end up. But if you liken your life to a Clementoni jigsaw puzzle, everyone is given 1000 pieces, and everyone has the same time to complete it. The only difference is that you rarely have the patience to put together the last piece to appreciate the true beauty hidden within. Most of the time, you complain or get angry and try to piece everything together, mixing things up. Confused, tired, frustrated, blaming life for being unfair, wondering why God is so harsh to some and so lenient to others?

Only those who persevere to the very end will realize how beautiful and worthwhile life truly is. And sometimes, to complete it, you've silently pieced together small fragments with unwavering patience and silence! You must gently search, even if you make a few mistakes. If it doesn't work this time, it will work next time. Just be silent and have enough faith. Because faith will lead to finding, searching will lead to discovery.

But remember to silently arrange things. This is a crucial element in the art of maintaining happiness. In daily life, success or failure depends heavily on things that cannot be expressed in words. Therefore, listening is an art. It's not simply about hearing; it also requires you to be proactive in conversation, especially if you tend to help the other person relieve their feelings and pain. You must know how to combine certain abilities and techniques. You need to have techniques to become a truly good listener, someone others always want to talk to.

Remember that you are listening. Focus your attention on the speaker and make them feel that there is only one thing you care about right now: what they are saying. Showing respect for the speaker is essential. Consider their opinions carefully. Do not belittle or dismiss what you are hearing; your facial expression should not show disrespect. Of course, you don't have to agree with everything the other person says, but wait until they have finished presenting their point of view. Then, if you have questions about what you have heard, begin after they have finished. And when the time is right, ask questions to confirm the information; this is also a way to show you care. Do not steer the conversation in your own direction. When the speaker suddenly brings up a topic that particularly interests you, it's easy to get drawn in and interrupt them to talk incessantly about that subject. This often results in the speaker shifting the topic to yours. Good listeners always let the other person take the lead. The best approach is to remember the question and, after the speaker has finished speaking, ask your own question. While listening, you shouldn't be thinking about what you'll say next, as this will distract you from what the other person is saying.

In the spirit of helping the other person open up, you might want to encourage them to continue. Show that you are still paying close attention to their story. Be open with the speaker. Make eye contact and look at them. Don't let anything create distance between you and the speaker. Truly focus on the speaker. Often, when you don't fully understand a topic, you'll focus on talking, talking, and talking instead of explaining. An accurate explanation can ensure both the speaker and the listener understand. It's not easy to guess the hidden meaning behind words; this is where explanation becomes essential. This technique can help the other person open up the conversation and uncover what they truly want to express.

Silence, which doesn't show agreement, can sometimes make the other person uncomfortable. It creates a heavy atmosphere of thought and sometimes pain. Therefore, a good listener must be truly comfortable in that environment. Occasionally, waiting a few minutes in silence allows the speaker to explore the hidden emotions in their heart fully. Mastering silence means you've succeeded.

By fulfilling these requirements, you can be considered a truly good listener. However, life isn't always rosy. Sometimes, you yourself fail at listening, a seemingly simple task that is actually incredibly complex. So, what are the reasons why the vast majority of you have struggled with the ability to absorb the opinions and feedback of others, or in the posture of listening?

The answer is:

- The one who doesn't want to listen is even more deaf than the deaf.

Because you often become complacent, thinking you already know everything, so you don't want to listen or only listen partially, and when you need to repeat it, you can't remember. Worse still, you only listen to see what the other person is wrong or bad so you can react. You prepare all the options very carefully before saying something. Yet in communication, you never prepare to listen. Not preparing for listening is preparing for failure. That is the reason why your listening is ineffective. Listen again to what the Buddha did. The Buddhist tradition of education has three basic forms:

- Oral teaching,

- Physical teaching,

- And mental teaching.

Depending on the disciple's capacity, masters may use various methods of guidance, but exemplary conduct remains paramount for both teacher and student. Going back to the time of the Buddha, his teachings never took the form of written instructions as you use them today. He observed his disciples, then spoke what was necessary, directly reaching their minds and assisting their understanding to deepen into practical application. Here, you see that the path of spiritual learning aims to enrich spiritual life, enrich the source of spiritual sustenance, cultivate inner growth, and ultimately attain enlightenment.

While worldly methods of learning examine the knowledge of humanity, copied and preserved from generation to generation, spiritual methods examine the very essence of the mind, encompassing both defilement and purity. Although the two educational approaches differ, they are fundamentally similar based on one attitude: listening.

A teacher who cannot hear the voices of their students, who cannot hear all their thoughts, concerns, feelings, and reflections, cannot effectively impart knowledge to them.

A spiritual teacher who does not listen to and observe the thoughts and voices of their disciples will find their teachings ineffective. Such a teacher will say things beyond the disciple's comprehension, or rather, they will only say what they like to say, without considering whether the student can hear or absorb the information. Conversely, if the student does not know how to listen, they will naturally not absorb anything from the teacher. Therefore, listening is not simply a matter of listening; it must be a specialized skill, requiring the practice of attentive listening.

Similarly, when a disciple comes to study the Dharma with a spiritual master, if they do not practice the virtue of attentive listening, the lecture will not yield results for them. The process and purpose of studying the Dharma is to transform your mind from defiled, evil, and distorted to a positive direction, to illuminate your true nature—in technical terms, to achieve enlightenment. Without this understanding of studying the Dharma, listening to the teacher's lecture is like listening to someone else's speech, singing, or theatrical performance; it only increases knowledge and frivolous speculation.

A teacher who can hear the voice and thoughts, as well as the workings of the karmic forces of their student, will have a profound impact on the student. Because, with their wisdom and unique abilities, the teacher can guide the student on what to do and what to avoid, helping the student eliminate the defiled habits that have bound them for countless lifetimes, leading to suffering and hindering their progress on the path to enlightenment. But after hearing the teacher's teachings, if the student does not regularly contemplate the teacher's words and does not focus on the effort to transform their habits, then the study of the Dharma will be fruitless. In reality, many disciples are regularly reminded by their teacher, but some progress day by day, while others remain stubbornly unchanged. The fundamental difference between these people is whether or not they learn the practice of listening.

Many people, very respectful and enthusiastic, have sought out a teacher to learn the Dharma, but when the teacher encouraged them to immediately abandon the thoughts that caused entanglement in life, the disciple did not listen, stubbornly clinging to their own mature thoughts. Furthermore, some come to learn the Dharma but fail to free their minds from the entanglements of their actions, or have little faith in the teacher's ability. For those studying the Dharma in general, clinging to and maintaining such mindsets will inevitably lead to slow progress, if not complete failure, in their spiritual practice.

In reality, many people study the Dharma, but very few manage to correct their character. This is a result of not listening. Listening here doesn't just mean passively hearing; it means applying what you hear to your practical life and spiritual practice. Just as you need to bathe for hygiene, eat, sleep, and rest to maintain your health, relax to relieve stress after work, and practice relaxation to cultivate happiness, listening to your teacher's words is the same. It requires constant learning and self-cultivation with a high degree of self-awareness.

That's why listening is more important than talking. Many of you probably think that if you don't speak, others won't be able to judge your character or understanding, and they might even think you're unintelligent or unsophisticated. That's completely wrong, because most of you only know how to talk, not how to listen. Truly good listeners are very few. While someone who knows how to speak can make a good impression, someone who knows how to listen creates a feeling of care, closeness, and intimacy. But how to listen properly to be considered a good listener is a question many people are trying to answer.

Careful listening shows that you respect the speaker. When you listen attentively, you feel empathy, which helps you gain others' trust. Therefore, when you listen carefully, you can work with them to solve problems. Therefore, listening is not simply about nodding in agreement and hastily offering advice or suggestions that don't align with the speaker's wishes. Remind yourself that the story being shared is incredibly important to you; missing even a single detail could lead to regret. This will ensure you listen more carefully.

In the art of spiritual practice, patience is essential for effective listening. Not everyone can do this, as there will be stories and issues you're not interested in, making distraction inevitable. So, to succeed, you should learn to listen patiently. But patience doesn't mean listening to the entire story from beginning to end without understanding its core message. Of course, if the story isn't something you're interested in, there's no need to force yourself to agree with their point of view or point out their inaccuracies. In such situations, simply nod or say:

- I understand what you're thinking.

Or:

- Please share everything you're worried about with me. I'm ready to listen.

Putting yourself in the speaker's shoes is crucial. You shouldn't listen passively, letting words go in one ear and out the other, without anything registering in your mind. To understand the story, put yourself in the speaker's position. By doing so, you'll focus on and respect their story. Because then you'll see their story as your own. And since it's your story, of course, you'll care. When listening, you shouldn't just stand there staring at the speaker. You need to take action to show the speaker that you are very interested in the story they are telling.

Don't let the story end without knowing what the speaker said or what they wanted to convey. That is extremely dangerous because it shows a lack of respect for the other person. Make sure you understand everything you hear. So, while listening, there will be points you don't understand. If possible, ask for clarification immediately. If not, remember to ask again when the story ends. This ensures that you are interested in the story and understand its meaning. This shows that you are a good listener.

Another equally important aspect of good listening skills is responding to the speaker's comments. You may understand the story, or you may not, but you need to respond to what you have heard. When you understand the story, you respond by sharing your thoughts on the issue the speaker is discussing. However, if you don't understand, you should ask for clarification, such as:

- Excuse me, I don't quite understand this. Could you please explain it again?

Or:

- Is that the issue you're referring to?

Responding to someone else's comments shows that you've listened carefully. You've put yourself in the speaker's shoes to listen and understand them. How would you feel if someone interrupted your story? It would certainly be frustrating, wouldn't it?

Therefore, when others are speaking, you shouldn't interrupt them. Interrupting someone not only makes them lose interest in continuing the conversation but also shows impoliteness and disrespect. Responding to the speaker is necessary, but it must be done at the right time and place to demonstrate that you are a good and patient listener. Listen to others' opinions and evaluate them honestly. Don't attack or criticize their opinions. Doing so will make them feel disrespected.

Whether an opinion is good or bad, it must be thought about and considered before being expressed. Therefore, no matter what, when listening, you should maintain a positive attitude; otherwise, you will appear selfish and petty. If this continues, no one will share anything with you anymore. Therefore, respect others' opinions before you expect them to respect yours.

Listening is a skill, or a way of life, that is very emotional and meaningful, and naturally very important in everyone's life. It not only helps you control your emotions but also helps you learn many useful things. If you disagree with someone's opinion, analyze it accurately and persuasively so that others acknowledge it, instead of attacking like someone who doesn't think. If you respect others' opinions, they will surely respect yours, and vice versa.

When asked why listening is so important, some people answer that it primarily concerns the need to obtain accurate information from an objective source. That's true, but it's not the main reason. The greater concern of the venerable monks is that listening makes people truly believe that the other person cares about them. Listening is not just about hearing the speaker's words in the usual way, but also about understanding the speaker's message and its importance. To make the practice of good listening easier, here are four tips to improve your listening skills:

1- Positive Attitude

First, you must demonstrate a positive attitude toward listening. If you don't know how to listen, you will miss out on a lot of valuable information. Even if you don't enjoy listening, remember that you can always learn something from others, and listening is a crucial component in establishing trustworthy relationships.

2- The Right Time

If you can't fully concentrate on listening, for whatever reason, tell the person that you can't listen to them at this time. You want to reschedule the conversation. Most people are always willing to change the time. Plus, many people will be impressed by honesty and by the fact that you care about setting a time for them. When you actually meet the speaker, be sure to eliminate all distractions and focus your attention.

3. Focus Your Mind

A good listener is someone who "focuses on the other person" rather than "focuses on themselves." The goal is to understand the other person. To do this, pay attention, ask questions to gain clarity, and check your perception of this understanding. Focusing your attention on the speaker will help you listen without interruption.

4. Identifying the Story

Repeat precisely the main points heard throughout the long conversation. Summarizing makes the conversation more intimate.

In short, listening and knowing how to listen is an art of the spiritual path to liberation, because it's not just about hearing, but also knowing how to ask non-repetitive questions, knowing how to restrain oneself, knowing how to record important information, and using one's knowledge appropriately. Patience and using body language to show sincere listening will make a good impression on the other party. Knowing when to stop and not interrupting others will also help you succeed in communication. The point is that everyone wants to be listened to rather than forced to listen. Applying this will give you more opportunities to gain more knowledge, thereby guiding you towards your main goals.

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