DHARMA IN EVERYDAY LIFE

By Nhat Quan

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Seven centuries ago, there were seven monks who lived in a cave in the forest of Asia. The monks who meditated on unconditional love that I have mentioned above were:

- The eldest monk,

- The eldest monk's younger brother,

- The eldest monk's close friend,

- The fourth monk, who opposed the eldest monk,

- The fifth monk was sick and could die at any time,

- The sixth monk was useless. And

- This last monk, who always snored loudly during meditation, did not know the sutras, often recited without beginning or end, and wore sloppy clothes. The other six monks not only did not excuse him, but also thanked him because he had taught them patience.

One day, robbers came to the cave to use as a hideout because of its difficult terrain. They wanted to kill the monks. The eldest monk used his eloquence to persuade the robbers to kill only one monk as a warning to anyone who dared to reveal their hideout. The monk's talent was only that much; no one knew what he was implying. The head monk was allowed to think for a moment to decide who would be killed.

When telling this story, I often stopped here to ask the audience, Who should be killed? Some listeners answered:

- The head monk's opponent.

- The head monk's younger brother.

Many people thought the monk was useless.

After a minute of asking for the public's opinion, I said:

- The head monk could not choose anyone!

The reason the head monk could not choose anyone to sacrifice is that he loved his younger brothers, close friends, enemies, the elderly, the sick, and everyone else equally. His love was unconditional; his heart was open to everyone, regardless of who they were or what they were like. More profoundly, the monk loved everyone as he loved himself. His heart was also open to himself, so he did not know who to choose among his six fellow monks.

In other words, he looked at others as he looked at himself and looked at himself as he looked at others.

So why didn't the abbot sacrifice himself because of his unconditional love for his fellow monks, as many listeners thought?

In Buddhist culture, the Buddha taught you to sacrifice for others, but after saying that, you also need to say it again. The reason you demand from yourself, are harsh and punish yourself like that, is because you have not learned to love yourself. If you find it difficult to say:

- My heart is open to everyone, no matter what they say, then the following sentence is ten times more difficult to say to yourself:

- The person I have been closest to for a long time, my heart must also be open and wide open.

The love for yourself that I want to talk about:

- Forgiveness, escape from the prison of sin, make peace with yourself.

If you are someone who has enough courage to speak honestly to yourself, then you will be able to approach the noble love. And then one day, you will have to speak your heart; you can no longer hide. Then you will feel like a part of yourself has returned from the cold outside after years of being abandoned, and then you will be completely free and happy.

And please remember everyone, you do not need to be perfect, without faults, to give yourself that noble love. Besides, there is no such thing as perfection as you expect. You open your heart no matter what.

Many people curiously asked me what happened to the seven monks whose cave was robbed. The story is not told further, but I can guess what happened next. After telling the robbers that the monk could not choose anyone and explaining the noble love as I have described to you, the robbers were very grateful. Not only did they not rob the cave, did not kill anyone and asked to become monks.

In the tendency of unconditional love, you should practice some principles:

1- Practice patience

Discord usually occurs only in the family. Therefore, sadness and suffering are inevitable in the relationship between husband and wife, siblings, relatives, and neighbors. Whenever there is a problem, the couple I signed the marriage contract with often comes to me for advice. As a monk who likes to live happily, I often tell the following three stories at wedding ceremonies to help the newlywed couple have as little trouble as possible in the future. These are three types of rings, through which the saying seems to remind you in English that:

- There are three rings to a marriage:

a. The engagement ring,

b- The wedding ring, and

c- The suffering!

Translation:

Every wedding has three rings:

a- Engagement ring,

b- Wedding ring and

c- The suffering ring.

2- Responsibility

When single, each person has a private life, but when wearing the engagement ring, the wedding ring, they must be responsible for each other. Marriage is meaningful only when both sides accept their responsibilities. The Venerables talk about the difference between the attitude of commitment and the spirit of responsibility by comparing it to the Three Foods:

- Pork belly

- Shrimp

- Chicken eggs.

Talking about reality like that, many of you will like to listen and pay more attention because everyone wants to know what pork belly, shrimp, and chicken eggs have to do with marriage. I explain:

- With eggs. In an egg, the yolk and white never invade each other but remain within their own range.

- With pork belly: That means the fat lies next to the fat, and the lean meat lies next to the lean meat. The fat does not invade the lean, and the lean does not invade the fat.

With shrimp: Always huddle together.

This speaks of the spirit of living together in harmony, so a wedding day is considered grand only when there is a trio of pork, roasted pork, and boiled meat, so it is called:

- Chicken and pig wedding.

3- He said chicken, she said duck

A newlywed couple was walking in the forest after a beautiful summer afternoon meal. The young man and woman walked hand in hand until they heard:

- Quack, quack, echoing from afar.

The girl whispered.

- Ah, look, there must be a duck,

The guy replied:

- No, it's a chicken

- I'm sure it's a duck

- It can't be. The chicken just called like that, my dear, he raised his voice a little.

The quacking, quacking sound rang out again. She said confidently while walking heavily on the ground:

- That's Duck, dear,

He replied angrily.

- Listen, my wife. That...is...a...chicken. Do you hear clearly?

- But...a duck, she continued to defend.

- It's clearly a chicken, you, you...

The quacking, quacking sound rang out again, interrupting the words he shouldn't have said while she was sobbing:

- But...it's...a duck.

Seeing the tears of his newlywed wife, he remembered the reason why he married her. He softened his voice and said softly:

- I'm sorry, my dear. I think you're right, it's a duck.

She said as she squeezed his hand:

- Thank you, my dear.

The quacking and quacking continued to echo throughout the forest as the couple continued to walk side by side with their blossoming love.

The point of the story is that the man was the last to wake up, so the quacking of a chicken or a duck was not important. What was important was the harmony between the two of them so that they could enjoy a poetic walk on a beautiful summer afternoon.

In life, there are many families that fall apart because of nothing! Is it important to have a chicken or a duck that leads to divorce?

After hearing this story, you should distinguish which is the important issue. Marriage is, of course, more important than a chicken or a duck. Moreover, how many times have you believed, believed firmly, absolutely, consistently that you are right, only to find out that you are wrong? Who knows? There may be a chicken that is genetically modified and crows like a duck!

To respect both men and women, I often change positions, not necessarily saying that the wife says chicken and the husband says duck, like in the story I told above.

4- Love the whole path

Once, I held a wedding ceremony. After the ceremony was over, I saw the father-in-law pull the groom aside to give some advice on how to keep the family happy for a long time. He asked:

- You love my daughter very much, right?

The groom replied

- Yes, that's right.

And you also think she is the best in the world, right?

The son-in-law replied

- She is wonderful in every way, Father. That is why I married her.

Father-in-law:

- But, my child, after a while, you will begin to see my daughter's shortcomings. Then I advise you to remember this. If my daughter did not have those shortcomings, she would have married someone else, better than you.

So you must be grateful for your spouse's shortcomings because if he/she did not have shortcomings, he/she would not be yours.

5- Romantic nature

During the period of love, you only see the good sides of the person you love. That is all you want to see, and of course, you only see that. You have a mind that thinks everything is good. Until one day, when you go to divorce court, you see only the bad bricks in the person you love. At that time, you are blind to the good qualities of the person you love. You do not want to see them, so you do not see them. You have a mind of denial again.

That is why romance comes in dimly lit bars, on candlelit dinner tables, or on moonlit nights.

Because in those settings, you cannot see all the freckles on her face or the dentures in his mouth. In the flickering light, your imagination is free to imagine and see the girl sitting across from you as beautiful as a supermodel or the hero as a movie star. You like to imagine and imagine to love. At least you know what you are doing.

Therefore, the disadvantage of romance is that when the imagination is gone, disappointment will torment you. In romantic love, you do not really love your lover, but only love what you imagine your lover to be. During the period of love, that love is only infatuation: the infatuation created by the presence you feel, and like all infatuations, the infatuation of love will end after a while.

True love is selfless love, that is, love for others. In true love, you always say:

- My heart is always open to the person you love, no matter what they do, and you truly believe it. You always want the person you love to be happy. True love is rare.

Many of you believe that a special relationship is equivalent to true love, rather than romantic love. Think of someone you love. Picture him or her in your mind. Remember when you first met and how wonderful you were with them. Now imagine you get a letter saying that he or she has moved on with your very best friend.

If it is true love, you will be happy for him or her, because he or she is happier with the new person than you are. You will be happy to see your two best friends now together. You will be happy to know that they are happy. Your happiness is important in true love, which is your unconditional love.

In short, unconditional love is the kind of love that only thinks about the safety of the person you love in particular and the happiness of others in general. When your loved one is happy, you are happy. To create this kind of happiness, you must know what the person you love wants and how much love you have for the person you love. You must consider:

- How much percentage is true love

- How much percentage is due to selfishness

Happiness, love, and protection are, of course, more important than chicken or duck. Moreover, how many times have you said that you truly love, believed firmly, absolutely, consistently that you love the person you love, only to end up breaking up? Who knows how much percentage is due to selfishness? Just a little bit of selfishness can erode each other's precious love, and that is the cause of a not-so-good result.

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